TURBOTAX IS THE JEWISH MOTHER I NEVER HAD.

I’ve said this before–but doing your taxes is the worst if you’re a single, almost-thirty, lady living in New York. I mean, not only are the taxes outrageous–but I never get a refund AND I have to answer NO to the following questions.

TurboTax (TT): Did you get married this year?
Me: No.
TT: Did you have a baby?
Me: No.
TT: Did you buy a house?
Me: No.
TT: Did you buy a car?
Me: No.
TT: Did you further your education?
Me: No.
TT: Did you change careers?
Me: No.
TT: Did you make any financial investments.
Me: No.

See what I mean about TurboTax being the Jewish Mother you never had? It practically wags its finger at you! With each click of NEXT, I shrink further and further into a ball until I’m practically doing my taxes from under my desk!

I always finish my taxes yelling at TurboTax–OKAY, OKAY! I GET IT. MY LIFE EXACTLY THE SAME THE AS IT WAS LAST YEAR AND THE YEAR BEFORE! MY LIFE HAS NO DIRECTION! I’M GOING NOWHERE! I’M DESTINED TO BE ALONE FOREVER! I always half expect the last page to ask HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT ONLINE DATING?!

6a0133f3fc5805970b01a73d6c2802970d

A LITTLE RANT. FOR YOUR MONDAY MORNING.

When I sat down to do my taxes the other day (or this morning), my hopes of a fatty refund were quickly dashed by the escalating red numbers in the refund/amount due column on the Turbo Tax page. No, I did not get married. No, I did buy a home. No, I did not buy an energy efficient car. No, I did not go back to school. No, I do not have plans on Saturday night. THANK YOU FOR RUBBING IT IN, FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

Sigh. I know ranting about taxes is old hat. No one likes to pay their taxes. But, when I look at my paystub every two weeks, it makes me so sad to see so much of my hard-earned money going (you can vouch for me, you’ve seen the blog posts), not to my bank account, but to various boring entities, like the Federal Government, the State of NY, healthcare costs, a 401K. I realize I should be, and I am, thankful for my healthcare and my tiny, tiny 401K. But, really, my paycheck is so small–and roughly a THIRD of it is deducted.

And, yes, my friends, there is always that thought in the back of my head that says, ‘It’s okay, Mary. You’ll get some of it back when you do your taxes.’ And that’s where the thoughts of what I’ll do with my tax return begin–get the coffee table I long for, buy a plane ticket to the wedding I’m in July, I don’t know, put it in my savings account. Reasonable things.

It is bad enough that just because I am not married, I do not have matching, dreamy china in my kitchen cabinet and lids for my casserole dishes. But having the horrid experience of doing my taxes point out all of the ways in which my SOCIAL life is a joke is just too much for a Monday morning. END RANT.

photo (6)